I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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