She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
