i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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