Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
