Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
