lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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