Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
