thus making me awesome and them whores
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
