It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
