Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
