Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
