bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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