whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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