I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
