I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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