You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
