Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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