you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
