I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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