my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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