Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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