I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
