I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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