guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
