; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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