I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
