i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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