phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
