Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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