and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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