when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
