your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
