i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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