I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
