I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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