I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
