There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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