I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
