omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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