your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
