there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
