EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
