smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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