Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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