I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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