if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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