I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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