Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
