I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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