That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
