You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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